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Threesomes

This is a continuation of the original page on Threesomes

Posted 9/4/00 [M] When we got married in 1971, my wife (let's call her Shelly) was a virgin, and I had very little sexual experience. In 1978, I convinced her to try swinging, and we did, and enjoyed it very much.
Since then, I have encouraged her to have sex with other men. I love it when she tells me about her sexcapades while we make love.
At no time have we felt that her sexcapades were threatening our relationship. She says that sex with others is just sex, not love. You seem to think that bringing other people into a couple's relationship is dangerous. In this regard, we do not agree with you.

Posted 4/7/00 [F] I'm 28 years old, female, single and have a pretty active sex life. I thought I'd respond to your question about how couples can get involved in threesomes from the point of view of someone who has been the third person.
Over the last 7 or 8 years I've been approached a few times, in one way or another, to make up a threesome. I've accepted twice. Both times I've been with the couple on several occasions. In fact, I've just got back home after spending a fantastic week staying with one of them. In both cases things got started because I had some sort of connection with the wife. The first time, I had already been with her after we'd got to know each other at the gym. (There's always a lot going on at the gym!) I met her husband there as well. He was a very nice guy and I had no problems agreeing when she asked me to spend an evening with the two of them. The wife of the second couple is someone I used to work with. Back then, we weren't especially close friends but we kind of liked each other. I met her and her husband (Suzy and Tom, names changed) a couple of times at social events and also had dinner with them before anything got started. There was a lot of mutual attraction - it was just in the atmosphere, if you know what I mean. It was when I was invited to spend a Sunday with them that I was 'seduced' and the way things have developed with them over the last year or so owes a lot to that Sunday. It was so good that I decided to write it into a short story and I've attached it to this email. You can post it on your site if you wish.
In the cold light of day, of course, it is a big risk for any woman to approach another about making up a threesome. On the other hand, I can't imagine it would happen in the cold light of day. A lot of women find it easy to get close to each other and I think they have a sense of each other. If someone seems interested in me, then I think I am very aware of it.
And if I am interested in her, then I give her signals in return. It is like seduction; it goes one step at a time. If you take a step and the other person comes with you then you can take another step. In the end, it is not so risky to take the final step.
I can't imagine that I'd ever agree to anything because a guy approached me and on the two occasions that I've been asked by a guy, I've said 'no'. I think the reason is that I wouldn't want to get involved if I wasn't 110% sure that the woman was committed and really wanted it. I know that most guys fantasize about being with two women and sometimes try to drag their partners into something. I wouldn't want to be part of anything like that. It would be just too embarrassing if she were to get upset or back away when things started to happen.
For me, it is all about the female partner - if I didn't feel attracted to her and felt she was attracted to me then there'd be no point. I think the guy is not quite as important, although I wouldn't get involved if I didn't feel I could trust him and was very sure that I wouldn't be abused. He certainly doesn't need to be a hunk but, for me, he must be the kind of guy who looks after himself; well-groomed, in reasonable shape and nice hands (I always look at that!).
The first couple I went with passed my name on to some of their friends. (I only found out later and was not very pleased, to say the least!) It lead to a woman approaching me but I got the wrong vibes from the beginning. She was very attractive and the guy was good looking but he was just too salacious and seemed to have a very high opinion of himself. He acted towards me as if I was a slut and easy pickings. No way would I get involved with someone like that.
I think it is also important to see that the couple are close and seem to fit well together. It gives the feeling that it would be good to be a part of them for a while. That's how it is with Suzy and Tom. I'm not trying to be some kind of expert about this - just aiming to pass on my own experience. In the future, I would get involved again with a couple because it can be such a rewarding experience. But, to summarize, I would only do it if:
I felt that I was going to be safe;
I was really sure the woman was into it;
I was sexually attracted to her;
The guy was someone I felt I could trust and he was reasonably attractive.
Just to do add a final thought - when it comes to the mechanics, things always seem to work best if one person remains passive and the other two work on pleasing the passive one, at least to begin with. If everyone is trying to do something to everyone else then it just gets too complicated.

Posted 3/1/99 [F] My fiance and I have been involved in many threesomes with women in the 4 years we've been together. Most of them were women we met in clubs and the relationships were short lived, but a few of them were with girlfriends of mine who were intrigued by my stories about our adventures. Even though I'm still friends with these girls, the sexual aspect of our friendships faded mostly because they all eventually found their own boyfriends.I am mostly quite secure in these experiences and never feel jealous or threatened but there was a time or two that I felt left out when "she" seemed to be the center of attention and I was second best. This was never with girls we met at clubs with the girls who lasted a much longer time..months on end off and on. I now relaize that this is natural. We discussed this the next day and he understood and apologized for hurting my feelings, but I understand him too. These are the obstacles we face when we decide to lead alternative lifestyles. I would much rather live the life I live now then not have it at all or be with someone that I couldn't share my fantasies with. I feel that we are both very lucky to have someone so open, understanding and secure.

Posted 2/1/99 [F] My partner and I have a very open, rewarding, extremely sexual relationship. We are so comfortable with each other and have such a strong bond of trust that we are in a good position to realize many of our long- standing individual fantasies.
We are both interested in threesomes. However, neither of us have the faintest clue of how to make one happen. *grin* We are both concerned with safe sex and would need to feel confident about finding someone responsible and clean, that we both found attractive but not threatening. But how do we do that?
How do other couples successfully find a third for play? We are specifically looking for another woman. (I would enjoy playing with two men, but for now, I think all he wants is another woman...which is certainly fine with me.)

Posted 12/1/98 - [M] Married 12 years, second for me, first for her. Early in the relationship that blossomed into marriage I realized my wife to be had a submissive streak. During our lovemaking before and after marriage we verbalized fantasies and she loved it when I called her a hot slut. We often fantasized about threesomes with either a male or female and she expressed her interest in making love to another women.
After about 2 years of marriage our best man came for a visit and I simply told her I wanted her to perform fellatio on him while I watched. She simply said, "If you want me to I will!"
After dinner as he was sitting in front of a roaring fire, she excused herself and I told him to be ready for the best oral sex he'd ever had. He was incredulous but willing. She came back to the family room, dropped to her knees in front of him and proceeded to give him the best he'd ever had.
There were no feelings of jealousy on my part at all and when she finished him she did me while he watched it was great.
We did not repeat this for several years when I mentioned to her that a co-worker and friend of mine had a truly monster penis that I had seen when we were in a steam bath, not only was it about 8 inches long it was really thick. She was intrigued but wondered if I'd be bothered by the fact that he was bigger than me. I assured her that what might happen was only "sex" not love and I thought I'd like to see her taking on this huge penis.
I set things up and the reality was better than the fantasy. His supersized penis was a delight to watch as she pleasured him orally then when he entered her vagina and I could see her vaginal lips being stretched and pulled as he rammed in and out of her was fantastic. When she finally screamed fuck me harder with rhat big dick I climaxed in her mouth while he climaxed in her pussy. It was incredible and an encounter we have repeated more than once.

Posted 11/8/98 - [M] After reading about your experience with a threesome and the bad feelings that you have developed, I must share in what I have learned. I have experience many threesomes with my girlfriend. Both men and women. It provides one of the most erotic forums possible and it can keep your relationship with your significant other alive and passionate. My experience has been that in order to make it work and not leave feelings of jeolosy or animosity, two principles must be applied:
1) The third person must not be a physical threat. If my girlfriend and I are inviting another woman, my girlfriend must not have any insecurities about the way the other woman looks. This is the same for me. I also don't want to feel threatened by another man's appearance. The difficulty here can be finding someone that neither of you are threatened by, AND is attractive enough to be a turn on. However, this fine line must be understood and accepted to keep your own relationship healthy and safe.
2) Establish clear boundaries in advance. What is acceptable sexual behavior must be established before the sexual escapade begins. Know each others exact boundaries and do not cross them. There are certainly some other factors that can affect the outcome of the experience, such as having friends or strangers involved. However, I think the 2 rules of thumb previously mentioned are the most important.

[M] Around twenty years ago, I was involved in a threesome. What happened afterward in that relationship was anything but positive and life-enhancing, but I don't think the involvement of a third party was responsible for that. If anything, the threesome was simply indicative of profound problems in the relationship.
At that time, I was going through a series of US Navy technical schools. I'd been married for less than two years to a woman I'd met when I was about 16. She was the only woman I'd ever had sex with. Shortly after we married, she became pregnant and following the birth she experienced what I know now was a fairly severe case of postnatal depression.
At some point, she told me that she found one of my fellow students attractive. I can't remember why, how or when this was mentioned. If I'm completely honest, I have to say that the idea of a threesome may have been mine, although this too is something I'm not certain about. Anyway, a threesome sounds kinda kinky and interesting." In other words, "Why not?"
She agreed, a few days later I broached the subject with the guy and he was very interested. And so it happened. He came over one Friday evening and I was impressed by what a smooth operator he was. He knew he was pushing on an open door, but it was very clear that he'd had much more practice than me in such things.
My memories of what came after are still very clear and I could describe the proceedings in pornographic detail, but that's not really the point of this.
I found the aftermath much less pleasant than the event itself. My wife decided that she wanted to be with the other guy. He, of course, had no interest in this. It was never part of the deal, as far as he was concerned.
Nancy Friday, in her book on male fantasies "Men in Love", suggests that the motivation of a man who considers involving another man in a threesome must be suppressed homoerotic feelings. Friday's analysis of fantasies is Freudian and, like many others in that book, this does not ring true to me. She suggests that, in a threesome involving two men and an woman, the woman acts as a bridge and validates the men coming as near as possible to a sexual encounter with each other without actually doing so.
I admire nancy Friday, but I hate psychobabble that attributes all kinds of hidden psychological meanings to eroticism. It's actions that are important - good and bad - and delving into the underlying doesn't usually help the current situation. JEL
The violation of a taboo also carries a strong erotic charge. There aren't many taboos in modern Western society stronger than the one that says sex should always be a secret thing between only two people.
The bottom line of all this is that I don't think that threesomes are wrong and I'm not certain if they are inherently dangerous to an existing relationship. I've been married to my second wife for 15 years now. I see the possibility of us ever inviting a third person to share sex with us as being similar in some ways to my views on me ever having a homosexual encounter 'I can see how it might happen, given the exactly right person, situation and mood, but all those things have never come together, I'm not actively looking for it and it seems very unlikely.'
For what it's worth (and it's really stating no more than the obvious), I think anyone considering a threesome needs to consider very carefully exactly why it appeals to them and thoroughly explore the attractions, fears and anxieties which the possibility might arouse in his or her partner. The act itself can be quite fun; the emotional consequences can be far from positive. It's obvious that involving a third party in a relationship with underlying problems is unlikely to have beneficial consequences. If the emotional bond between the couple is very strong and both parties have very secure personalities, it seems to me that a threesome might be no more than a good recreational experience and a change of pace. It might even present opportunities for growth and development. But introducing a new element into a relationship that has reached equilibrium — whether the new element is a child, a new job or an additional sexual partner — seems to me almost certain to require renegotiation and adjustment.
If anyone considering a threesome is at all uncertain about the consequences, it seems to me far safer to use toys and imagination. If the hypothetical third is a man and the intention is to explore just how far the woman can go, perhaps saving the pennies and buying a Sybian is a much safer option.

Posted 11/1/98 - [F] We were playing a game one night and a dare came up and my husband of 12 years dared my girlfriend to go down on me. Since we all had been drinking, she didn't hesitate and fulfilled his wish. We ended up in the bedroom and it was fantastic - exciting and different, and I never thought I'd enjoy the touch of another woman so much. But I did, and I had to admit that. And the excitement it brought back into my marriage - WOW!
We would take advantage of every chance we could, including getting a babysitter for all the kids so we could get in some "quality" time. Months of passion and play passed and I began to feel that I was getting the "short end of the stick", feeling left out and unimportant in the circle. Everyone would get satisfied except me, and I was never the first recipient, and I became bitter and jealous and angry. It seemed to me, in my own mind, that my husband had a girlfriend, and I'd given them permission. I would just join in part of it.
After these feelings, the inuendo of an impending opportunity began to turn my stomach with nerves. It's been several months since the last time we were all together, and we're all still friends, but I find myself pretending to be sick or something to avoid any opportunity we might have. It's uncomfortable at times, and although I've fulfilled my husband's life-long fantasy, he craves for more.
It was tough watching the two of them together. I wish I'd never done it. Althought I felt secure that he loved me and wouldn't ever leave me for her (she's so not his type!), I was kind of afraid of her motives, and I still feel that she wishes she wore my shoes. It was an experience, and it was a good one at first, but frankly, I'm kind of ashamed now. In hindsight, it would have been better if it wasn't with a friend, someone who runs in the same circles as I do and can't be avoided. It's a constant reminder.

I posted a letter from Randy last month (see below) and I've gotten a few letters in response. Personally, I think allowing a third, or another couple, into a relationship is really risky, but for health reasons and emotionally. Unfortunate comparisons, IMHO, are bound to occur. Is he bigger than I am? Is she a better lover than I am? Is [s]he now spending more time on this new adventure than on me? But this is my opinion only. Send me your thoughts and experiences and I'll share them (anonymously of course) with my other visitors.

12/1/97 [M[ Randy wrote this to add to his threesome story (below)
It was a bit strange seeing my story posted on your website....I had a few regrets when I first saw it...and embarrassed (why?)..but with some time, I think it was a good decision to open it up...it was a risky adventure and we are, I know, a lucky minority who experiment with this volatile mix. A few interesting developments have occurred since I last communicated with you. We have decided to not experiment with this fantasy further due to the risks involved...it is not worth it. The adventure she had can provide fodder for our private fires well into the 21st century and that is fine with us....since we have children, it has become even more of a gamble that we feel is not in our best interests. Sometimes these things can work out OK...I just wanted you to know that...it would be irresponsible to promote this type of sexual behavior if one were focusing on developing positive, lasting communication within a relationship. The odds for success, as you point out, are against the majority. I think you are correct in explaining this on your website.

[M] Anyway, first of all, Bill is my best friend. I've never known anyone that I respect or admire more than him. He has the marvellous ability of getting into people's heads, jimmying out the crud, and leaving them with a better knowledge of who they are. He helped me through my toughest times, when my girlfriend of three years left me for another guy. He's been a true friend, and I will remain loyal to him for life.
Where am I going with this? Well, Bill has a fiance. She's an old friend of mine that I lost contact with for a while. Then she turned up as Bill's girlfriend (who knew?). Anyway, her name is Joanne. Bill and Joanne are very open. He demands complete honesty in the relationship, and they've come to the agreement that there will be no secrets.
I had known Bill for about five months before his fiance appeared. She was studying out of town, and she came to visit. We recognised each other after a series of puzzled looks, and were soon reminiscing about old times. I soon became very close to Joanne, and the three of us were pretty much inseperable. I was included in most of what they did, except when they wanted time together alone. Eventually though, we went out to a dance bar together. At some point in the evening Joanne leaned over and said to Bill "he's on the list". Bill laughed out loud, and I puzzledly asked what the "list" was. Bill explained that it was a list of men that Joanne thought were really attractive and wanted to sleep with. Everyone has one of these lists in their head, usually people they have crushes on like attractive friends, acquaintances and the odd movie star or two. Joanne and Bill had a relationship that allowed her to be open about this with Bill...and me apparently. What I thought was just a great compliment from a friend concerning my attractiveness turned out to be a serious proposal.
Joanne wanted to have a little fun with me, and Bill, being such a close friend, liked the idea. We're both pretty much straight, but we really do have very profound feelings for one another. Bill felt that this was his way of expressing those feelings. He wasn't about to sleep with me himself, so the next best thing was to have Joanne do it for him. We talked about it for a long time...over about a month. I made absolute certain that I would not be hurting anyone by doing this. If it harmed our friendship, I don't think I would ever forgive myself. Bill himself convinced me that I should go for it. Joanne was eager and Bill was supportive. Eventually, it happened. Joanne and I made love, while Bill sat nearby watching his one true love and his best friend giving each other some really nice amounts of pleasure. Afterward, I sat up and hugged Bill. Then I hugged Joanne. Then we just sat there hugging and feeling all warm-&-fuzzy-like...
Anyway, every once in a while, Joanne invites me into her bed. She and Bill me a lot, and I love the two of them. They live out of town now, so I don't get to see them that often, but we're still very close. I've discussed this whole thing with another friend of mine, and he says that I must be some sort of freak. I'm in a casual sex relationship and I'm not (1) a psycopath, (2) mentally deficient, or (3) in danger of falling in love with my partner and ruining the whole thing. Apparantly, according to this friend, you have to be 1 or 2 to avoid 3. Or you can be me. I guess I've just got the mental fortitude to keep it at a close friendship. When I miss them, I miss Bill more. He's my best friend, and he obviously trusts me completely. I could never do anything to betray that trust. Maybe that's the secret. I'm in no danger of falling in love with Joanne because I already love her and Bill. Enough that I don't need to love her more than I already do.

11/9/97 [M] I am a married 35 YO male, and having just read your recently posted letter on Threesomes, I really wanted to share my opinion.
My wife and I include other partners in our fantasy life, both male and female. I think it turns me on more than her, but it excites us both. We have not ventured into reality with these exciting thoughts, but I think I would be willing to give it a shot. I am not worried about my ability to deal with an extra partner, but I'm not so sure about my wife. I would not, however, consider an affair without her, or letting her have one without me. I think that vicarious sharing would be an inducement for the green eyed monster (jealosy).

[M] I've asked you a question before and have to admit, the more I think about it the more I agree with you about adding a third or another couple. I've found that most men are interested in alternative lifestyles "swinging, etc."; because they feel it's a way they can screw around and the wife knows about it. My first thought was along those lines but then I thought, well what's good for the gander is good for the goose and how would I feel if some young stud were making love with my wife and she was really enjoying it. Tell you the truth it made me think twice. If I feel a pang of jealousy or whatever, what would she be feeling?

[M] One of my biggest fantasies is my wife having another man. (or two) I've shared this fantasy with her, and it seems to excite her, as well. It started once when, as we were making love, I asked about an old boyfriend. As I asked her questions about how it was with him, she answered (hesitantly at first) and we both became very aroused! It was exciting, and we've been sharing those types of fantasies ever since.
We've talked about her being with someone else, and although the idea excites both of us, we're not sure how to go about it. I've told her that if she ever finds herself in a situation with someone else (man or woman) that she should go for it, on one condition: She will tell me about it and not keep it a secret. I should mention that I am not, in any way, interested in having any other women for myself. I am extremely satisfied with my wife, and the thought of someone else just doesn't do it for me.
We are concerned about AIDS and other STD's, but she is pregnant right now, so we wouldn't be worrying about that! I'm not sure if we wouldn't risk a pregnancy, but the health issue is not one we will back down on. We could have anyone tested or show proof of a clean health record, but would that take away the excitement and spontaneity?
I, personally, am not worried about any comparisons. I know that our sex together is better because of the deep bond we share. Pursuit of someone else would be purely sexual, which is innate of being human! If she decided that she wanted another man regularly to be satisfied, then so be it. Part of my enjoyment of sex with my wife is watching her experience the pleasures it brings. If someone else does that for her, then I want her to have it! Sex is a gift. I know that, even if she found someone else to please her, she would not leave me. I know that she would still have relations with me.
It's an exciting prospect. It's not for everyone, but for us, it may be a new tool for exploring our desires and sharing our minds and bodies with one another.

11/1/97 Here's Randy's Letter: the one that started this debate
My beautiful wife and I have been together for 9 years. She is a very pretty 31 year old from Madrid and I am 40 and American (Irish and American Indian mix)...we live in San Francisco. We had been experimenting with fantasies involving other people and we found that although I could get excitied about a variety of fantasies, her most excitable one involved herself having an affair with another man. This was not my #1 fantasy but watching her get excited when we experimented with stories and possible scenarios was a very big turn-on.

I found that I was not jealous and we concentrated on that fantasy during a lot of our lovemaking...not all, but a lot. This went on for about a year and then one night while we were making love and I was whispering her a story as I slowly massaged her clit she told me that she was attracted to a guy who had been coming on to her at her school...but that she was afraid to do anything about it because, after all...fantasies are fantasies and reality can be very much different.

I was intrigued and turned on...and I told her to go for it. We made an agreement to never deceive each other and since she found that she had jealousy about me being with another woman I promised her I would not hurt her that way.

One afternoon, shortly after she told me about him, she called me from her school and told me he had invited her to go with him to dinner. We agreed to not turn this "affair" into a situation where her lover would know that I (her husband) knew what was going on. We both agreed that it was much more exciting to play this game, even though this lover may feel "used" if he ever found out..then again, he might not..so, it was a small sin. But being a male I know that the idea of having a married woman (secretly) can be an extra turn on in itself. So, she called me...breathlessly excited and she told me she loved me and I told her I loved her and to call me if she was going to spend the night...and, sure enough, a few hours later she called and told me she was very excited and would see me the next day.

I went through some weird emotions...and I was not without a hard-on that entire night, which I spent by myself in our bed...jerking off so many times I was afraid I would be drained for her when she returned.... I got very little sleep...and, at 6 AM the next morning, I heard the key in the door.

I pretended I was asleep and she quietly slipped into bed next to me wearing her silk lingere...she put her arms around me and licked my ear...I stirred and looked at her beautiful face...she was smiling and looked radiant...I asked her to tell me things that happened and she was shy at first...then, as she saw I was very aroused, she told me details. I slipped my fingers down to find she had no panties (he kept them) and, she was shaved!...not completely, just trimmed, but her once bushy pubic hair had been clipped (by her lover)...and her clit was hard and her pussy was wet from making love all night.

I was so turned on I could not believe it...I was not jealous! She told me what a beautiful body this 25 year old student had and how he had tied her up and made love to her all night. He ate her pussy for hours before he fucked her, driving her insane, and in that, I learned how to please her even more...(I never knew she liked to be tied up).

We made the most intense love...this was a very exciting experience...and she saw this lover 2 times a week for the next six months, with him believing he was satisfying a frustrated married woman (I was correct, this made his excitement more intense, she said). We shared her experiences with him during our lovemaking. He was skilled in the art of restraints and she became very uninhibited with me after being with him. She told me what he did to drive her to ecstasy and I copied his techniques, which included "forcing" her to suck his cock, while helplessly tied up, until he orgasmed in her mouth (amazingly, she loved this!).

Finally, she tired of playing this game and he started to become possesive. We agreed it was time to stop and, although we have not repeated this experience, she knows she has the opportunity to start another.

This is what we have discovered enhances our sex lives together. She is is complete control of initiating an encounter with another man. We have found that issues of power and control are eliminated between us this way. I am not badgering her to do it with males I choose for her. To enjoy her experience to the fullest, she must first and foremost be sexually attracted to the man, and, luckily for her I suppose, this attraction for the other man is highly erotic for me.

I know she loves me and she knows I love her...and our game will be played secretly together until it is no longer possible to play for whatever reason.

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