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Body Image

Posted 11/1/99 [F 30] At 30 and 5'4", I am between a size 15/16 and 17/18. When I was married, I began hearing comments from my husband about how I should be working harder to lose weight. I am now a widow, and am spending time learning about myself again. I had a C-section for my son, which (for those of you who have had the experience, back me up), due to the type of cutting they must do at times, decreases your ability to "tighten" up that tummy trouble area. I tried everything, from dieting to some working out after work. I look back now and realize I was not successful for a couple reasons. One: I was doing it to make somebody else happy--I felt fine, had no serious health problems, etc. Two: I was always a chubby kid (except for a brief stint in college when I tried one of those "Jenny Craig" type diets with the special food, after which I gained back the weight I had lost). I have since met some wonderful people who "love" me for me. The men I have spent time with are attracted to me for who I am, not what I look like. It is all a matter of how you carry yourself--of course, you don't want to look terrible and expect for Prince Charming to stroll up to you. When you learn to value yourself and carry yourself in a confident manner, love will find you.....

Posted 9/3/99 [F 34] I am 34 years old, five ten, and weigh 130 lbs with measurements of 34(C), 30, 37, and wear a size 8. In addition to those stats, I have the smallest bone structure. I have an extremely fast metabolism and couldn't gain weight if my life depended on it. I am in actuality a healthy eater and I am physically healthy, in spite of being judged to the contrary.
Frankly I am sick to my back teeth of others who cannot accept the way I am because of my size. I have lost count on the number of times I have gone out in public and have been laughed at and looked at like I am a freak in a side show. FWIW, I have never, ever brought someone's weight to their attention or treated them like they were less than human.
To be called skinny is the biggest insult a person can give me. It is not a compliment to be called that even if it is meant to be one. I have sent countless letters on how I feel to countless editors and nary a one has printed. I've come to the conclusion that no one cares how I feel, no one wants to hear my side of the story. If anyone wants to be like me they can have it. I have never liked being thin and never will. Trust me, it's no picnic.

Posted 8/7/99 [M 19] I'm a 19 yo male, and though I know I'm a tad young for knowledge in some areas, this forum made me think about some things I do know. I'm kind of biased on this point (I'm 5'9" and weigh 130 lbs) but I feel a little on both ways. 90% of someone's personality is how they feel about themself, not what others think. Look at me. You'd be shocked at how many times I've been told what I think doesn't count because I'm just too darned small. Anyway, I digress. I've know girls in the past that thought they were fat. I think it's fair to say they were maybe 10-20 lbs overweight. These girls were not "big boned" either. But, they had a great attitude and really didn't care if anyone made fun of them. They knew they were beautiful inside, and in the end, that's all that mattered. I've also found them to be some of the friendliest people I've ever met. From a skinny guy, I've also found them to be the most attractive. On the other hand, I also agree with the "rolls" argument. I don't find fat rolls attractive either. That's as bad as counting ribs. I think I'm just trying to say that it really doesn't matter what someone thinks you look like, but really who they think you are, as a person, not a number on a scale.

[F] I've been learning slowly that body image does NOT make a person good or bad. I once was a little 95-lb, skinny, gauky young girl....I am now 125 and I am realizing (20 years later) that more is better!! I may not have that flat-board tummy anymore and I may have "excess" skin under my arms, but I am happier than ever with myself and therefore, those around me are happy to!!! I look at myself now...starving to be perfect....not knowing that I am as perfect as I am going to be just the way I am!! So for those of you who might be unhappy with your appearance, I say "Look deep inside...look into your heart and ask yourself.....Am I happy with who I am?".....If the answer is yes....put that dang scale away and have only one mirror to look at yourself each day. When you look in that mirror, smile real big and tell yourself that you are perfect in every way!!
Take it from an expert.....starving yourself to be perfect takes away so much happiness and joy that you could be experiencing!! Don't waste your time on looking in the mirror or standing on the scale, take that time and close your eyes.....feel how perfect you really are and be happy with yourself!!!

Posted 7/4/99 [F] When I became engaged to my fiance`, he took me to meet his friends. Some of them we met on the highway and he stopped them to introduce us! His opening sentences were, "Hi! This is my fiancee`,---, isn't she beautiful?" All in one breathless mouthful. What else could they say but to agree with him even though I didn't feel that way. I was a size 18 at the time. I had only been naked in front of two men before we met and I have always been so ashamed of my body. He was the first that I let see me naked in the daylight and he would make love to me for hours at a time, slowly taking his time and memorizing every last inch of my body. He made me feel like a goddess and told me over and over how beautiful I was. He gave me the freedom to enjoy the passion that is so much a part of me. What a beautiful gift!
We have since divorced, but he will always be a part of my soul and I am thankful that I was fortunate enough to have married this man while I was still young and forming my sexuality. Since him I dated a man for two months who pursued me relentlessly until I finally agreed to go out with him. We never touched and finally one night I asked him if my weight bothered him. He said that it did. I told him that I hoped when he looked at me that he saw someone intelligent, caring, considerate and loving. I added that I hoped there is more to me than my weight. He said that he did see more and that there is more than the weight and I was right - fat people can't help it that they are ugly and unattractive. That was the last night that we saw each other. How wrong he was.
I have since found men, one 22 year old who is in incredible shape and handsome enough to model who wants me to teach him the secrets of making love to a woman because he thinks that I am the most sensuous woman that he knows and he says that he knows that I can take him farther than any woman his own age. Tempting though it is, I am perfectly content with my man who is over 260 lbs. and totally gorgeous. Beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder.

[M 24] I have noticed that the most beautiful women in the world are not necessarily super models or prom queens. A woman that is comfortable with who she is, is by far the biggest turn on for me. Many men know this but are often not willing to admit it due to the fact of societies pressures. A woman that is uncomfortable with herself tends to make people around her uncomfortable including myself. A woman that is comfortable with herself literally GLOWS from across the room, no matter her size believe me. If you are in a relationship with a man that puts you down because of a few pounds, look at him smile and move on. He is the one with the real issues. I have heard that a woman reaches her sexual peak in mid 30's to 40's and so on. That may be true, but I believe a lot of it has to do with the fact that a woman begins to feel comfortable with her body and her sexuality. I am not advocating all men should run out and find a older women. What I am saying is that we should teach our daughters to worry more about who they are instead of their weight.
I knew a woman that was very special. Unfortunately, looking back she didn't feel very special. The man she was married to treated her like crap(no I did not hit on her, we were friends) after she had gone through a pregnancy with his child. She was a wonderful woman and mother and he did not treat her with the respect she deserved. At the time I kept my distance from her physically and emotionally and wanted to keep it at a friendship, because I did not want to interfere with the marriage. We were separated by our jobs and moving around, being in the service and I know life must go. Still, I don't go a day with out thinking about how her and her child might be doing. Even though she might have carried a few extra pounds, she was the most beautiful woman I have ever known and feel privileged knowing her.
I guess, what I am trying to say is be comfortable with yourself and your spouse, lover or those to come will notice the "real you" and react favorably. I think many of us have failed as mothers and fathers over the years in not teaching our daughters what real beauty is and in narrowly defining beauty. Ladies, beauty is between your ears not between the lines of a tape measure or scale. That doesn't mean you should settle for less i.e. nerds, trolls or JERKS. Obviously, I have devoted a lot of thought in this subject, but I think it is because of my time spent with wonderful women. :)

Posted 6/1/99 [F] I am about 20 pounds overwieght at the moment and I have just started working out and trying to eat healthier, mainly to feel better about myself. And knowing that I am at least trying makes me feel better about myself, even if I can't seem to get into the clothes I want to at the moment.
When I was younger, my mother was overweight and from the earliest I remember she was constantly dieting and trying to workout, but wasn't able to get far in her exercise plan because she was working and taking care of her family. Finally when I was about 15 years old, she became extremely serious and went on the slimfast plan and lost probably 40 pounds or more. I was very proud of her and happy for her, but seeing that so much as a child and a young girl, it makes it hard for me to accept myself to be the size I am. So you may be able to see why I want to be able to love myself and accept myself the way I am. I don't want my daughter, if I should have on in the future, to have to deal with not being happy with herself and her physical appearance. Physical beauty is not the most important thing, period. I hope that women, myself included, will stop abusing their bodies and start taking care of themselves and loving themeslves for the person they are!

Posted 5/1/99 I agree with the sentiments you have expressed here and would like to make a few points myself. First I find it distasteful when I look at a woman and my first thought is 'she really needs a few decent meals'. As far as I concerned if I can easily count ribs the person is too thin.
Beyond this I would remind everyone that muscle weights more than fat. Thus if you try to lose weight by exercise you will probably not see much change on the scales. Where the change will show is in your measurements as you become a higher density. Finally I would point out that men and woman probably have the same difficulty in getting rid of fat. Once you have cellulose it is very difficult to get rid of. (Thus the joke about liposuction, that the cost is based on secure storage.) If you want to diet I would advise you on avoiding any diet where you must buy special foods. The second you go back to a normal diet you will gain it back.

Posted 3/1/99 I am a 41 yo male and I could not agree with the sentiments aired here more. My wife is concerned about her size and weight but I cannot convince her that she is perfect to me. I love her look, her ...everything. Do you think she is more concerned about how she looks to other people rather than to me? I find myself comparing her looks to that of other women, but from the point of view that SHE is the bench mark of good looks and not them. If they dont look like her in some aspect then that is a minus. I wish I could convince my wife of this as it adversely affects or love life. I am sure I am the only male who feels this way.

Posted 1/3/99 I am only 21, married, with two small children. I will admit that I have a few pounds to lose, but with a 10 pound child and a 9 pound child, who wouldn't? But I am also very large boned. I am 5'9 1/2" and wear a size 14. This is the SAME size I wore before I got pregnant. And my husband says he likes me the way I am, not the way high and mighty thin people think I should look. Men seem to lose weight very easily. I have tried almost everything: going to the gym 5 days a week, getting a body-wrap, trying fad diets, even not eating! And do you know what is working for me right now? Keeping my stress levels down, having sex more often, and NOT changing my eating habits. If you change too much at once, you WILL fail. Change little at a time, and it works so much better. Try having sex more frequently, and become a little more active. It is a most enjoyable sport, and it is very good for your heart!

A wonderful sentiment - Posted 12/1/98 I am 47 years old, and I weigh in at 214lbs. Being "Large" hasn't one thing to do with the quality of my life! I feel good about who I am today because of how I live and how I treat my fellow man (ALL of Mankind is included).
I used to feel lousy about my body, and one day I realized that I was judging myself by "other" people's opinions of what I "should" be like and not the reality of what "I" really was. What freedom I got when, after all those years I said, "Enough is enough!" Today I know who I am and I love me "just the way I am" and I put other people's opinion of me in exactly the right place (right in the waste basket where it belongs!)
It's a good thing that I know that I'm the way I am in order to serve "the larger picture" and not as a thing to be judged and awarded "points" for how I look.
A funny thing happened when I developed this new insight, 99% of the people around me started noticing positive things about me right away. Now, mind you, I hadn't lost ANY weight or inches, but people kept asking me if I had. A radiant smile and a playful outlook at life in general sheds the real "weight" I was carting around, no self esteem, no trust in others true feelings for me, and a real anger that the world just didn't understand. Well I took care of my own self esteem by taking an inventory of what was "good" about me and maximizing it. Once I started liking me, I found it wasn't too hard to believe others did too.
Now, as for the last problem, well, there will always be a few jerks in the world who will judge this book by it's cover, but I have to remember that it is "Their" problem if my body shape bothers them, isn't it? Maybe they have a fear that if they get cheerfully chubby they won't get the attention they want? Or, maybe they are too shallow to appreciate my worth as a human being? Who Knows? The point is - it's none of my business what other people think of me!!! It's GREAT to be in charge of my own feelings about me!
Anyway, for any one who feels "too fat" or "less than" I have this to say - celebrate yourself and the world will celebrate with you!!
Until my NEXT Soapbox! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Posted 11/8/98 I too feel that the "world" has done women a disservice by imposing all the supermodel standards! On your message board there was one from a woman who didn't like the way she looked (or felt about herself) and did something about it (GOOD FOR HER); however, during the process she lost her husband -- too bad, FOR HIM! I am one of those women who lost a lot of weight -- 65 lbs. because I didn't like what I looked like (or how I felt). It does take a change in your lifestyle -- THERE ARE NO FAD DIETS THAT WORK! I eat sensibly, exercise and enjoy what I look and feel like now -- and so does my husband! I actually still want to lose about 10-15 more pounds, but my husband begs me not to -- I am not really a large-bone or large-frame woman, but too big to me a size 3! I have successfully reduced from a tight-fitting size 16 to a loose-fitting size 10 (actually, I'm able to wear some size 8s now!) and kept it off. It doesn't take fad diets or starvation or being bulimic or even anorexic, it takes good old-fashioned will-power and determination! Anyway, I wanted to share this because every woman who is unhappy with her self image, needs to do something about it -- if for no other reason, but for herself! Actually, if you don't do it for yourself, you are not going to be happy doing it (whether that is reducing or gaining weight or toning) and will more than likely be unsuccessful, or that the "change" will only last temporarily and then, you'll be even MORE unhappy!
Losing weight and toning has been the best thing I have ever done -- for MYSELF! And, because I have a loving husband, who actually has been my personal trainer (because he successfully lost about 100 lbs. himself), who has stuck with me on this "trip" I have also reaped the benefits in our sexual arena. I am not too much of a prude (except in a couple of areas that are just "NOT MY BAG") (and partly due to some experiences I had to endure in previous marriages), and I have been able to help my somewhat prudish husband to grow out of his (in most areas that I wanted him out of except one -- but I haven't given up hope -- he's actually voiced that he's interested, he just hasn't be able to "work himself up to it" as of yet) prudishness!

Posted 11/1/98 A different take from a [M - 22] First of all, I am a physically active, fit, 22 year old male. I would just like to say a few things:

You say:
"For many years I have campaigned against the harm is being done to women's self-esteem by the contant flood of messages that say, 'If you're above a size six, you're too fat!'" No, I think they say, "If you have fat rolls and flabby thighs and a flabby tummy and a flabby butt, you're too fat" Size is not emphasized.

Weight by itself doesn't mean much. Body composition (bone size, etc.) has a lot to do with how much a person's healthy weight is. Look at yourself in the mirror - do you look fit or do you look fat? That is an easily answered question. This reminds me of the statement "I'm not fat I'm big boned!" The last time I checked, bones didn't look like fat rolls. Anyway, one day the answer for me was, I looked like I was getting a little tubby. If they really want to, anybody can lose weight. I went from 205lbs to 170lbs in about 6 months with a combination of diet and exercise. Now after weight lifting to build muscle mass I am at about 180lbs (I am about 6' 4"). I feel very good about myself. No amount of being told "accept how you are" would have made me feel better. When I looked down at my belly and saw fat rolls when I sat down, no statistics that said my weight was "normal" would have helped. I didn't like the way I looked and I did something about it. When I look in the mirror, I think wow, I look good, and it's because I worked at it. I think girls should not think they need to look just like "supermodels." But that doesn't mean appearance means nothing. What next - accept how you smell, you don't need to take a shower. Accept how your hair looks, no need to comb it.

There are plenty of women (and men) who work hard to make themselves look good. And it really bothers me when other girls put them down. When you see a muscular, fit male, most people would think hey, that guy works out. BUT when you see a fit, "not fat" female, what do other girls say? "Oh, she must starve herself! She must be anorexic!" blah blah. Hey, the rules for girls are the same as guys. Eat right, exercise, look good. Sit around, each chocolate, get fat.

Posted 8/7/98 [F] On your postings about weight.. I too have always been 'body conscious' and had tried many dramatic weight loss 'fads'. Sadly enough, I finally discovered that it took a conscious effort on my part combining the right nutrition and exercise (martial arts in fact) to lose 75 lbs.. and in the process lost my husband.. who is now with a woman who is the size I used to be. What this has all taught me is that I have to be who I am.. for me.. not for anybody else.. and it's taken me far too long to figure that out.

[F] Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing that article! I used to be skinny in high school, and after I hit my mid twenties, I started to gain weght. While I am not fat, my grandmother would ask me such questions such as "Are you a little heavier than you used to be?". Believe me, that hurt very much;just because I am now a size 9-10 instead of a size 6, she acted like the world would come to an end! I just wanted to tell you Bravo! for a job well done;size does NOT matter to a person's self worth as long as you take care of yourself as much as possible!

Posted 7/7/98 [F] I just read your article about women's body image. It helped immensely. I am 22 and seeing a man whom I love dearly. I felt so self concious around him because I am so skinny. Everyone tells me its so great, but I look like I am anorexic or something. I am all skin and bones. But my sweetie thinks I am the sexiest thimg on earth.. Thanks to your article, I am not ashamed to be naked in front of him--and I actually want to dress skimpy for him--because I am beautiful. This is the way I was created. And I am lucky to have such a wonderful man. Thank you--

Posted 7/1/98 [F] Although I found this information interesting it was somewhat one sided. As a forty eight year old woman who has never worn anything larger than a size 10 I can tell you it's just as bad being to thin as it is being overweight. I have lost count of the number of people who ask me if I'm anerexic or how thin I am. My body is what it is despite the fact that I'm on a see food diet. See food, like food, eat food. And I do eat or else suffer the pains of a migrain. This only makes many people dislike me all the more. Can't win for loosing.

[F] I want to thank you for your focus on women’s self image. I am a big, tall man and I have always been fond of large women. My wife is heavy and I find her as sexy and attractive as the day we met. The way a woman feels about herself directly effects how she looks. Please ladies don't be ashamed of your body. There is nothing more sexy and provocative as a woman who caries herself with pride, holds her head up and has a playful spirit. There is nothing worse than seeing a beautiful tall woman wearing flat shoes and hunched over trying to hide her height or for a big woman to be relegated to fashions that make her look like a mountain with a head. Stand tall! Wear bright colors! Wear sexy lingerie! Show off your body. There are a lot of men who appreciate you.

Received 5/7/98
I've always had a wonderful body image even though I'm overweight and as such, have never suffered as I have seen others suffer. A friend was bulemic. Another, anorexic. I've seen the mental scars weight can leave. I thought it was wonderful that on an adult site, where we expect to see beautiful women enticing men to part with cash, that there was something that important.

Received 5/12/98
I am glad to see you broaching the subject on the web site! I have been considered "heavy" since I hit puberty. Once those lovely female hormones starting raging I have struggled with my weight. The One and Only time I was considered to be "beautiful" by some men was when I was 19 and finally thin, unfortunately, I got that way through the use of drugs that were more harmful to me then anything else.
I am now a mother of 2 beautiful children and considered a PLUS size woman...when I first started gaining weight I was ashamed of my body, not even letting my husband see me naked in the light. But, as I have grown older and learned to accept myself I realize there is nothing wrong with me! My weight does not define WHO I AM as a person!
So, I work everyday to help my daughter realize that a persons physical appearance is not a TRUE testament to their beauty...I DO encourage her to exercise (something I do myself to keep my body as healthy as possible) and to eat right...but, we DO NOT focus on her weight in any way! We have learned to focus on her educational and other accomplishments and build her self esteem in other ways then just her looks! Of course we think she is beautiful, and if she is being teased or needs reassurance we tell her she is pretty, but, we are also quick to point out that she has many other GREAT qualities!
I hope that she will grow up with a healthy attitude towards life and her own body! I certainly do NOT want her to struggle with the feelings of inadequacy that I dealt with throughout my young life! I hope and pray that our society will SOMEDAY get with it and realize the importance of teaching our daughters to be strong, intelligent, loving women and NOT just something pretty to look at!!

All comments welcome anytime

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