Lovers' Feedback Forum
Sex and the Handicapped
These letters address various aspects of sex and the handicapped. The most important thing to note throughout is that despite various difficulties, the handicapped have sexual needs that can be satisfied. However, people are people.
Updated 7/08 [M 34] It's really great to see the less abled enjoying themselves sexually,why should the able bodied alone have the pleasure of love and intimacy that others perhaps take so much for granted? It is something everyone deserves equally.I am curious to know (on the subject of disability) does or has anyone had any experience of an amputee partner?,if so how did they or you cope with this,was it an issue in the bedroom or life in general?.We all hope that should such a thing arise in our lives that a partner would not desert the afflicted person,and love them despite perhaps their"altered state".On the other hand other people may find an amputee partner attractive? what thoughts do other people have on the subject?.
Updated 3/08 [M] OH, its so sad to read such hardships regarding having sex in these messages and when I read the last one which relates to your daughter I realise actually how lucky I am and that I actually have no reason to complain.
My problems are nothing to what pain these people are enduring. All it is that I walk awkwardly and need a walking stick to support myself - I cant walk without it.
When I walk I must be careful to lift my feet and try not to drag them on the ground otherwise if I catch my foot in irregular paving or ground I will trip and fall to the ground. Once I'm grounded I cannot get up unless I have something to lean on to push myself up. So I have to watch carefully where I'm walking and concentrate on my walking which normal people take for granted.
At least I am mobile but have to take care.
Another thing is that I don't have good balance and many of the positions that normal couples adopt shown in many of the hardcore sex scenes on the Internet are not possible for me. Either I must lie on my back and let her ride me though many times I prefer to be the dominant partner and ride her instead. I have been able to get round this by kneeling on the bed or floor and place pillows under her buttocks to raise her up higher so her vaginal opening is more in line with my penis which is very short and I can just enter her and make the necessary short thrusting movements.
I've yet to try the rear end doggie style which I'm told is great as this allows deeper penetration into the vagina (I'm not interested in the rectal intercouse) but I feel my penis is not long enough to sufficiently penetrate her. So in all the number of postions that can be used in my case is rather limited..
Updated 1/08 [M] My life completely changed at the age of 22 after suffering a hemorrhagic brain stroke from a benign brain tumor. I have had six brain surgeries and the stroke was pretty severe that it left me with double vision ringing of ear difficulty with balance writing and right side of face is paralyzed so I cant chew on that side or drink with out a straw. I could not agree more with what everyone says. I often feel like people do not see the handicapped as sexual humans too. I also do not like to get attention because people are feeling bad for me. I have also noticed that people like me who were not born with congenital impairments and acquire handicaps tend to fall through the cracks because we are in a disadvantage in terms of dating and having sexual partners. In my case after i graduated college i was not able to continue grad school due to the stroke. i have looked for disabled dating sights myself and havent found them very helpful either . They are costly for one thing. I am not sure what to do besides joining a lot of different groups as well and meeting people. Sexually life is not the same after the stroke and i want to find that special lady that would unnderstand that. I have a lot of self esteem and confidenfce and just waiting to meet that special person. I am six ft with dark hair brown eyes athletic body 180 and hope to meet her soon.
Updated 7/06 [F] I know that body pillows are the best at having when your in a lot of pain. I use them all the time due to pain from arthritis and lupus. I bought mine from a pregancy store that sells maternity clothes as many pregnant ladies use these at the end of their pregnancy. I think some of the major department stores carry them as well. I know they are a catalog for JCPENNY as well. Sears might carry them too in their catalogs and I am sure you can research for them to order on line.
May I also suggest the liberator pillows or wedges for sex. These have helped my hubby and I when knee pain or back pain bothers either one of us.
With all the good sex people have, we seldom think of the older couples who are struggling to enjoy this initmacy and can't or feel they can but will cause more problems than pleasure. I think this should be addressed sometime on your page.
[M] I have some
ideas. First of all, it's good that he isn't expecting a Super Model
to be interested in going out with him--he mentioned something about
meeting a lady with the same handicap. It's not likely that someone
with a great body will get their head out of the clouds long enough
to meet a great average guy. Second, when I was in grad school I met
a guy about 8 years older than me who couldn't speak very well at
all, but had a great mind. Who could only get around with the help
of an electric wheel chair and the use of a partially movable right
hand that could operate the wheelchair for him. He couldn't
communicate or walk but he was smart, funny and great looking. I had
a crush on him. Not because I felt sorry for him but because he was
a gentleman and made me feel special. I have no physical or mental
handicap but I am over-weight and frankly, that's an under-statement.
I'm not gross to look at but I weigh more than 100 lbs over my ideal
weight. He treated me like a lady and made me feel very special.
What I'm trying to say is this. Become a better person. Learn new
things, go back to school, write poetry, go to church, think about
the hard things and treat people with love and respect. If you have
a sense of humor, use it. If you have a particularly attractive body
part use that too. For example, another guy I loved who loved me
back, was born with a severe handicap. He had a severely disfigured
face and no ears thus, he was mostly deaf. He went through over 20
plastic surgeries to create a reasonably normal face and ears but he
was still not very handsome in the face. However, he had great hair
and an awesome ass as well as a fantastic wiry and muscular body.
His favorite outfit to wear was a pair of jeans and t-shirt and
occasionally he would wear the best pair of faded jeans ever| So
tight they just framed his ass. I loved those days| Best of all, he
could have dated just about anybody b/c he felt that good about
himself and thus, he attracted a lot of girls. He didn't care what
the girls looked like. He cared what the acted like and who they
really were on the inside. most of the girls that worked at the same
place we were working at thought he was one of the best guys around.
Updated 6/06 [M 22] My handicap is called cerebral palsy.
I have it in my legs and feet the other parts of me are ok. I live in an apartment.
I would love to take a women out for a night on the town and show her a nice time
and I do masturbation. I have to say i feel i lost all hope of finding love. Every time
I like a women she is taken or is not into me. What can I say - I need sex too?
My thing is why can't we be given a chance? Sometimes I daydream about saving a women with my handicap that i have then making love too her. one time i was even thinking about paying for sex, but I want love but i feel there is no romance for the handicapped. It puts a lot of pain in my heart. And if a women does come up to me it is because she feels sorry for me and acts like she likes me oh! I forgot to say I can walk but with crutches.
Updated 12/02 [M 55] I like to explain about how mental illness can get in the way of someone's sex life.
If you have trouble understanding conversation and you're poor at remembering basic details that the average person takes for granted people assume that your hearing isn't too good. With me, when someone is talking to me in what seems like normal voice I only catch about three words very clearly of the conversation. I need people to talk louder (but not yell), talk slower , and don't say too much at one time.
When the message goes to our head we need more time to sort out what's what and figure out how we should answer. Otherwise it becomes a total waste of everyone's time. With a speech
impediment added onto all this & more we get taken advantage of very
much and there's been lots of suicides over feeling neglect etc.
I love sex too but it's a real struggle trying to compete to find a mate for us. I keep plugging along trying to hang on to what ever hope I still have.
Updated 11/02 [F] For the man with the wife with lots of disabilities--I know how hard it can be. I am a chronic pain sufferer and I have to be very very very careful. My suggestion is pillows. Lots of pillows. Ones to cradle any part that has pain. Ones to offer support to parts so they do not fatigue. It is good to have a variety of thicknesses also. I was just thinking that a piece of satin may work well to keep the pillows cradling the head and neck from getting stuck. I tend to cradle my head and neck with an arm and a pillow. And soft pads for the guys knees. I also need a signal for STOP Now and one for we need to "pause and rearrange" AND I need to trust that the signal will be honored.
Somewhere on the site you had an address for body support pillows I have not tried them but they seem interesting. I've no idea where either JEL If his wife has a problem with pain then a good time to take the pain meds is at least forty-five minutes to an hour before sex -- just like with any other major activity. I think people have to keep trying positions and supports until they find the right placements. Two of the best "props" for sex with physical limitations are lots of anticipation and being prepared to laugh and start over.
Updated 6/01 [F 35] My boyfriend was born with Cerebral Palsy which affects only one hand. When we first began our relationship he asked me to treat him just like anyone else. He is such an incredible person that it soon became something that I forget most of the time. It doesn't stop him from doing anything, really, but I know that he is self-conscious of it. When we were just in the speaking stages of our relationship, he told me about it and said that if I wasn't comfortable with it that he could understand it and there would be no hard feelings. I thank God that I didn't let it keep us from meeting as he has totally enchanted me.
The only problem we have with his disability is that it is difficult for him to perform in the missionary position. This isn't an actual problem for us because it has taught us to use our imaginations and he is an incredible lover! Very creative and willing to try anything either of us comes up with and curious about.
To anyone who has a disability, please don't be afraid to be yourself. There will be someone out there who will realize how fortunate they are to have you in their life and when they come along, it will be worth the wait.
Updated 5/01 [M 42] Everybody talks about sex but everybody forgets about the disabled and
the wheelchair bound. We like sex too. We the the disabled are sexual beings too.
I myself have cerebral palsy since birth. I also have a very stong sexual drive. But people tend to think of Dsabled people as non sexual which is far from true.
I don't get sex as offten as I'd like but when I do. I enjoy my sexualty very much!
So all you ablebody people Give the the disabled some sex!! And we will rock your world!!!!
Updated 1/1/00 [M] I'm Physically Challenged with an Ailment called Arthro-Gryposis-Multiplex-Congenita, It is basically a Joint Ailment, I don't have Joint's in my Finger's, Wrist's, Elbow's, Hip's, Knee's, Ankle's, Toe's. But I do have feeling everywhere. I live in an Apartment, alone and have an Attendant, she's 61, and not interested in Relieving me of Sexual Tension at all, so I've joined a Nudist Club, and so I get Distant Intimacy, but I havn't had any Sexual Intimacy in 10 year's, it's a long time, so I masterbate in bed, even though my Attendant complains about it, when I do, I just have to do it. I'm tryping this E-Mail with a Dowl-Stick in my mouth, because I can't use my finger's to Type it out, but anyway, I'm so glad that you had shared that story/Letter, it gave me a little glitter of hope that I would find that Special Someone, I'm 41 and soon to be 42 in March. I live in a city that's growing in Population called Centralia, Washington, if you might know of someone that would like to get to know me, in Washington State, please let me know if Contact is Available, I can share my Home address if there's a possibility.
I asked whether this gentleman wanted to release his e-mail address and he agreed. Drop him a note, if you like, at Steve Cavalier colonial@myhome.net
Updated 12/5/99 [F 35]
When I was 32 I had been working for handicapped adults for about ten
years-basic, everyday routine stuff-taking them a urinal or bedpan so they
could pee in the morning, dressing them, putting them in their wheelchairs
and settling them into a comfortable position, making their breakfasts and
perhaps feeding it to them, and so on. Whatever one would normally do for
oneself, I did for them. This could also include putting a vibrator into
position at bedtime, or settling two people into bed together so they could
have sex.
While this sort of work is not for everyone, I enjoyed it. Anyone who has
experience with people with severe physical handicaps knows that they
typically compensate by developing a very high degree of social
acumen-charisma, even. They are very definitely in charge. And because the
relationship between the handicapped person and the attendant is so
focused-the handicapped person literally needs the attendant's body in
order to survive; the attendant's living depends on being able to satisfy
the needs of the handicapped employer-it can have the sort of intensity that
we normally find only in our relationships with lovers or children. In
addition, the people I was working for happened to be highly educated and of
above-average intelligence, so I got a great deal out of just talking with
them.
Anyway, at one point I had become very needy and very dependent on my work
as an attendant. I had lost another job managing a small business and went
back to doing attendant care full time; and my girlfriend of five years and
I had fallen victim to Lesbian Bed Death (the phenomenon whereby two women
simply stop having sex after a year or two, though the couple continues) so
I had not had sex with anyone in over three years. I started to take
antidepressants and really did not feel like myself at all. One of my
employers, Marc, was a special friend and I spent a good deal of time with
him on my breaks. He put a lot of energy into consoling me and one day as we
were sitting close together I reached out and took his hand. This happened
just as naturally and spontaneously as it would with anyone. We didn't say
anything, but we both knew that something had changed.
After that our relationship became even more charged. I spent as much time
with Marc as I could. I cuddled with him in his bed at nap time. I told him
dirty stories. I took my shirt off when I cooked his meals. We sexualized
the power imbalance, and it was really erotic: he could look, but he
couldn't touch. I ordered him to masturbate while watching me cook with my
shirt off. He would try, but didn't have enough strength to make himself
come. His attention became totally focused on me, and this was a wonderful
turn-on for me. When he was in the shower I would take off my clothes, soap
him up and slide my finger up his ass. He would protest and I would taunt
him, pointing at his erection that had just gotten harder and redder.
Finally the day came when he couldn't take it any more and he told me that I
was going to have to "take matters in hand." I didn't say yes or no, I put
it off for a week or so to make him antsy, but one afternoon after my shiftI put him in his bed, took off my shirt, put pillows under his head so he
could see me, and gave him a hand job so that he came on my breasts. For his
birthday he got a blowjob, and then he started saying that he really wanted
to officially lose his virginity. Okay I said, but he was going to have to
buy the foam and condoms. (Even an interested and willing woman needs to be
seduced: she is offering herself, I lectured, but it's up to her lover to go
and get her.) He called up the drugstore and ordered the foam and condoms
delivered. Cheating, I thought, but I had set the challenge and he met it.
We had intercourse, and what I thought was really neat was that I was on
top. In previous sexual relationships with men I had never managed to roll
off my back and take charge; I no longer had a choice, and had to force
myself to make the effort rather than just going with what was easiest. Yes,
it was fun-for both of us.
But some handicapped people tire more quickly than able-bodied people. Marc
weighed only 56 pounds and tired very quickly. I wanted his attention
focused constantly on me; he wanted to have his naps and quiet time. I
wanted sex-a lot; an orgasm exhausted Marc for days. I started badgering
him. He fired me.
So. I have learned not to have an affair with the boss. I am no longer
friends with Marc. He didn't want me to visit or call. I missed him badly
for a couple of years-we'd been good friends for nine years before our
affair-but I'm over that now. I was very upset with myself for being unable
to respect other people's boundaries, for being so focused on my own needs,
but I'm over that now too.
Added in a later note Marc has since had a
couple of affairs with other women, successful this time in that they ended
on good terms. I don't know the details as I am not in touch with him
directly, but I am pleased for him and relieved for myself. I don't have to
worry about having abused him as he has obviously used the experience with
me in a positive way.
And a quote: early on in our sexual exploration we talked a lot about the
various implications-playing with fire, body image, masculinity and so on. I
commented to him at one point that I was a lesbian and wouldn't be having
sex with him if he weren't handicapped (doesn't make sense to me now looking
back, but it did at the time). I knew that this could be hurtful to him, but
I wanted to make that explicit so that we could deal with it. His response
was heartfelt: "My handicap has closed so many doors to me, that if this one
time it can open a door to something so beautiful I can only be glad."
And with regards to myself, that I was under psychiatric treatment: did he
feel that he was getting damaged goods, that as a handicapped person he was
getting society's discards? How did that make him feel? He just said that
that it would take someone exceptional to wish to undertake a sexual
relationship with him. If we could meet one another's needs, that was a good
thing.
Like I said, he was a good friend.
I know this is a complicated story, both in the details and the ethics, but
life is complicated. Especially if you have a handicap.
And later still All the handicapped people I know are or have been sexually active, and I
know some extremely handicapped people. But they are also all currently
single (except for one couple where both are handicapped). A recurring theme
is the difficulty of dealing with the able-bodied lover who is typically,
uh, marginal. Some have given up entirely on sexual relationships with other
people as they have never had one with someone who wasn't deranged at some
level.
I answered that I thought the difficulties in the relationship were more due to
the people involved than the handicap. JEL
Updated 10/1/99 [M 37] In response to your visitor's question about sex with someone who is
handicapped, let me offer the following. Judy and I have been together
for nearly five years. She suffers from Refelx Sympathetic Dystrophy, a
degenerative nerve disease that causes, among other things,
hypersensitivity and great pain. Needless to say, sex can be somewhat
touchy at times. Her left leg from mid-thigh down, for example, is
extremely hypersensitive, and an accidental brush against it can cause
excruciating pain. Not exactly conducive to sex. She also has several
herniated discs,which cause terrible, painful back spasms.
All of this combines to make sex different for us than for other people.
In fact, the first time we had sex, it was so painful for her that we
thought it might not be possible at all. We've since learned, by trial
and error, which positions are best, and which don't really work. We've
also found that sex can be as wonderful for us as for anyone else,
although we have to be a bit more careful and a bit less acrobatic than
possibly either one of us would prefer.
That being said, the biggest, and most ongoing hurdle that I face
personally is my conflict of desires. Although I love Judy deeply, and
think she's the most attractive, desirable, sexy person on the planet, I
don't want to cause her any more pain than she's already in. I know that
sex is going to hurt her. It's a given. Many times I won't suggest or
initiate sex because I know how much pain she's in, and I don't want to
add to that. The problem with that is, however, that looking out for her
physical well-being (by trying not to hurt her) harms her emotionally,
as she sometimes thinks that I don't initiate sex because I don't find
her attractive (which is the farthest thing from the truth - all things
being equal, I'd be jumping her a minimum of three times a day). It's a
catch-22 situation. She says the pain is worth it, but when I see her
writhing in agony from a back spasm brought on from sex, my heart just
breaks, especially since there's absolutely nothing I, or anyone else
can do to ease that pain.
I realize that this is all sort of rambling, and I also realize that I
haven't provided much in the way of answers. For both of these failings,
I apologize. I do hope, however, that this will serve to stir some
discussion amongst your readers.
Just a note for those of you who are curious - Judy is my daughter. JEL
